I wrote this in the darkest days of Yorkshire Television's drive to subdivide itself into infinitesimally small pieces and disappear up its own timebase.
GILBERT AND SULLIVAN SURPRISE
Peg legs O'Leer reports on the musical discovery of the century.
The music world is still reeling from the shock of news that an entirely new full length opera by Gilbert and Sullivan has been discovered. Unearthed from the now decaying ruins of a provincial dubbing theatre, the almost complete manuscript has now been authenticated by leading musicologist Minci O'Fiddle. He comments "It is a dream come true. This will be no reconstruction, it will make Beethoven's Tenth sound like Rolf Harris on a bad day. I am over the moon about it, Brian."
We are able to bring you the following expert analysis of what may well be the musical discovery of the century:
The Ship of Fools
The action is set in the grandeur of an ocean liner. The plot centres on what, in these days, seems an almost unbelievable folly of the ship owners, who have instituted an arcane system of internal financing which renders the ship totally unmanageable despite its fine appointments. It will be difficult, perhaps, for younger audiences to accept the plausibility of this scenario, but the quality of the work is by no means the less for this.
Following a disappointingly average overture, the production of which was sub-contracted to an independent composer, in accordance with Government regulations of the time, the opera opens with a rousing Stokers' Chorus.
"More steam, more steam, shovel up the coal and make more steam.
We are big and we are strong, the officers will hear our song!
(tiddle om pom tiddle iddle om pom)"
The scene changes to the engine room where a group of despondent mechanics are discovered gloomily reviewing their situation. Now the chief engineer sings his aria, "No Steam for Me", in which he outlines his plight. It seems that under the system of total costing he is unable to buy steam from the boiler room, although it is lifting the safety valves. In vain he protests, while Sullivan's score modulates from A minor to a ringing C major. On this cue the distant echoes of the Stokers are heard, singing:
(pom pom pom porn)
"We're working under orders, the orders of the Board,
Producing lots of steam that nobody can afford!
(that nobody can afford)
Perhaps there is a chance, which no-one can deny,
A ship with cheaper steam will soon come sailing by! (will soon come sailing by)"
And here the main motif of the Engineer's Aria is reflected in the score, as the stokers dimly glimpse the possibility that despite their superhuman efforts they are about to be scuttled.
The strident and unanswered clangour of the ship's telegraph is represented in the score by a "vigorous tattoo upon a suspended crowbar". This leads to an intermezzo set on the bridge, where a quartet of Officers sing:
(tumpi tumpi tumpi tump)
"A quorum, a quorum, I think we have a quorum,
A most appealing quorum for the business of the day!"
At this point they fall to arguing over the ship's course, a matter which is only settled after many hours' discussion by the intervention of the tea lady.
Meanwhile, as the ship has now been limping in circles for some time, and a storm is approaching, the order goes out to lower the anchor. The tempest is represented by some of Sullivan's finest musical pyrotechnics. According to a marginal note, it was originally feared that the opera would grind to a halt at this point as the entire budget would be exhausted by these efforts. In these more enlightened times, however, it is possible to proceed:
The ship's Carpenter takes the centre stage and, amid the chaos of the surrounding storm, explains to the foredeck crew that he is unable to drive out the chain wedges, as the shipping company have failed to provide him with a hammer.
"If I had a hammer, I would hammer out the anchor!"
The Foredeck Chorus answer with a clever rhyming play on words which need not concern us here.
But all is well: on the bridge the Captain sings the aria which will be seen as the centre-piece of the production.
"I'm in charge now, here are my orders,
Abaft, behind, repelling all boarders.
Zoom in to a wide shot, cue grams! (in ten...)
I'm calling a meeting, I'll let you know then.
(Pom pom pom)
Carpenter! Build me an office. Build her and split her in twain.
I'll hide behind the partition, And no-one shall see me again.
(And no-one shall see him again...)"
Meanwhile the wheel is in the unfaltering grip of twenty seven officers, And the ship is on a dead steady course.
It is unfortunate that the manuscript ends here, with a few fragments that indicate that Gilbert intended to write a final aria entitled "The Song of the Iceberg". Our only indication of the nature of the climax of this great work is a requisition form in Sullivan's hand which appears to call for the final act to be accompanied by eighty two timpani and seventeen tons of ice cubes. What the great men had in mind, we can only speculate.
(C) Peg legs O'Leer 1991
Peg legs O'Leer is music correspondent for the Elephant And Hassle Advertiser